I understand that "I'm all he has left," but I also know that we haven't built a relationship of trust. When I was 15, and he was 13/14, he moved out and we've never lived together--or really talked since. He blamed me for my family's problems--mainly because he didn't see the lifestyle of drug dealing and drug doing as a problem. He steals, he lies, and he cheats-- and I don't want someone like that in my life. And besides, I have to pay like three bucks to talk to him for 15 minutes. Why would I pay to awkwardly try to fill 15 minutes of time?
He's burned a lot of bridges, and I know that very few people have accepted his calls-- and I do feel incredibly guilty for not accepting them-- but it tears me apart. And I don't want to feel that.
And on Memorial Day, I don't want to focus on the bad. I want to remember good times-- summer times, and when things were good with my parents and brother. And for period, I think of Nickelback's This Afternoon.
There was one summer when my dad's logging business was doing extremely well. Additionally, his 'side business' of dealing drugs was also going well. There were always people at our house, and kids for my brother and I to play with. I had friends named Felicia and Dawn, and we spent days at each other's houses-- riding bikes, making up dances, playing in the woods, etc. My brother spent most of his time playing with the neighbor boys. Their parents considered him one of their own. They signed him up for baseball, took him to practice, and sending him home was the worst possible punishment was to send him home.
That summer, my dad had told us about these caves up on the Ridge, and I became completely obsessed with seeing them. He promised me that he would take me before the end of the summer, and as school inched closer, I thought he was going to forget... and I wasn't about to let that happen. With our living room full of people, passing around a joint, I marched in, and asked my dad when we were going. He laughed that wonderful laugh, and said, "later, sis"
Later was unacceptable. Despite being about 9 or 10 years old, and really knowing better, I decided to take action. I told everyone to leave, and started throwing a tantrum that would embarrass even the most shameless person. My dad, even though pissed, could never really be mad AT me, told me to go get my brother, and told my mom to pack a lunch. My mom hated that I always got what I wanted from my dad, but what can I say? I was the favorite.
We took our two ATV's, my mom and brother on one, and my dad and I on the other, and headed up the road. I remember on the way there, we had to make a pit stop because my dad lost a bag of pot. If you think Where's Waldo is hard, you should try finding a bag of green pot in a heavily wooded area. I was still pouting because this was delaying my trip, but I kicked around some leaves, and tried to help. My brother, of course, would be the hero that found it, and promptly put us back on track to finding the caves.
I've learned now that my parents, and more specifically my mom, made up a lot of crap that wasn't true and told us. I would be mad, but looking back, it was really funny. I hope that if I ever accidentally have kids, I can think of fun lies to tell them, too. On this particular day, my mom told me that the drawings on the side of the walls in the caves were done by Native Americans "many many moons ago." She and my dad then sent us into the cave to try to figure out what it said.
Now, I can't disprove what she said, but I believe it was probably something that she and her stoner friends probably drew when they were in high school--if there was really anything in there at all. My brother and I got our flashlights out, and started crawling back through the caves. As soon as I could no longer see the entrance, I started to cry and want out... I think I remember my parents being a little mad, but I also realize what a brat I was being. I had thrown a fit to go, then didn't go into the caves, and complained when my brother took too long to explore.
We spent the rest of the day together, driving around on fourwheelers, and enjoying a beautiful summer day in the mountains of WV. This is probably one of my favorite memories-- and when driving around in mountains and smelling the scent of woods makes me think of it... While there were a lot of drugs that summer, I was safe, my parents weren't fighting, and there were always fun things to do... It really was a summer full of them partying, selling and doing drugs, while my brother and I did pretty much whatever we wanted. No rules, no worries, and enjoying the afternoon.
Lookin' like another Bob Marley day
Hittin' from the bong like a diesel train
And I'm down with hangin' out this afternoon
We've got weeds in the backyard 4 feet tall
Cheech and Chong prob'ly woulda' smoked 'em all
So I'm out on the couch this afternoon
Beer bottles layin' on the kitchen floor
If we take 'em all back we can buy some more
So I doubt we'll go without this afternoon
You better hang on if you're taggin' along
Cause we'll be doin this 'till 6 in the mornin'
Nothin' wrong with goin' all night long
Tough to put the brakes on,
Doesn't matter when you'd rather
Get up, and go out
Me and all my friends
We drink up, We fall down
And then we do it all again
Just sittin around, hangin out this afternoon
Landlord said I should buy a tent
But he can kiss my ass cause I payed the rent
So I doubt he'll kick me out this afternoon
Down on the corner in a seedy bar
Juke box crankin' out the CCR
Had a few to Suzy Q this afternoon
Don't wanna wristwatch or an alarm clock
To see what time it is
From the moment I wake up
I just love being with my friends
We barely get by, but have the best times
And hope it never ends
We drink all day till we fall down
So we can do it all again
It's not the human walk
It's the human race
If you aint livin on the edge
You're takin' too much space
So I doubt I'll figure out
Just what to do
'Bout to kick it around
Hangin out this afternoon
Get up, and go out
Me and all my friends
We drink up, we fall down
And then we do it all again
Just kickin' around, hangin out this afternoon
Sittin around hangin out this afternoon
Just kickin' around, hangin out this afternoon
Just sittin around hangin out this afternoon
Just kickin' around, hangin out this afternoon
Just sittin around hangin out this afternoon
