That evening he went with the neighbors to baseball practice, as he did every evening, giving me two solid hours to conquer that hill on my pink princess bike. I told myself that I would make it down that hill, and become so confident that I would blow him away the following day.
The hill in question was just to the right of my house. My dad had a logging business, and we had 16 acres of mountainous land. Of course, as soon as we moved, my dad logged behind our house, giving my brother and I several trails to walk, play or ride one of our many recreational vehicles—and not to mention practically paying for itself. Living in the heart of West Virginia, it was only appropriate that most of the roads and trails were both steep and curvy. The path my brother wanted to race down was no different.
In my first run, I didn’t go to the point where my brother and I would start our race. I knew better. I didn’t even go half way. I went about a quarter of the way up, then rode to the bottom, holding my brakes all the way down.
My second time, I decided to do the same distance, only a little easier on the brakes. Going about a quarter up the path again, I release the brakes, and rode freely down the hill. The wind was in my face, and the crisp spring air gave me hope that I could conquer this mountain.
I then got ambitious. This was not going to be nearly as horrid as I had originally thought. I could go all the way to the top of this hill. My brother was going to eat his words. Ricky and Scotty were going to see that this was something that I could finally be as good—if not better than my filthy brother. As I walked my bike to the top of the hill, I could hear victory in my mind. It would be the proudest moment of my life: the moment I was better than Joey in something that wasn’t academic.
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At this point in my dad’s career, things weren’t exactly how one might imagine a logging business. He was successful. He employed five guys, and owned several pieces of heavy machinery. Sometimes, in between logging jobs, he would bring home bulldozers or skidders and let us play on them—or put me, Joey, Rick and Scott in the bucket and drive us around the yard.
Life was good—so good that it allowed him to pick up a second business on the side. The second business was that of a drug dealer. This was the business my dad was looking to expand. He decided that the best way to do it was to begin growing our own marijuana plants at home.
My dad is the kind of person that always has people that owe him a favor. So, when he asked a friend to get him some fertilizer, the friend delivered.
When one is growing pot, there are certain appearances that one should uphold. In other words, we had to start a garden. That’s what we told people when they asked what the big pile of shit was doing in our yard, anyways. That’s right, an entire dump truck full of cow manure and compost had planted itself in our yard just down from the hill where my brother and I would be racing.
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I stood straddled over my pink princess bike, knowing that this ride was going to be the one that changed my life. I didn’t even need to do it—it was only going to boost my confidence. I put my feet on the pedals, and prepared for the ride of my life…
The bike started moving too fast. Before I knew it, I felt like I was going faster than most cars go. I kept slamming my feet backwards, beginning to panic. My brakes weren’t working. The further I went, the faster the bike would go. I knew that I was going to wreck, and didn’t know how long it would take for someone to find me. I knew in my nine-year-old mind, this was going to be how I died. People would blame Joey for my death. Had he not dared me to race him down that hill, I would have never practiced, and my brakes would not have went out, and I would not have crashed into a tree—or the driveway of gravels, and died.
As I got to the bottom of the hill, I saw my salvation. I couldn’t get my brakes to work, and if going down a hill would make me go faster, then going up a hill, might bring me go a stop.
The pile of manure looked ten feet tall. My bike raced forward, and I thought if I slowed down enough, I could just lean it over on top and walk down the mountain of shit. This entire time, though, my feet were planted firmly back in the brake position.
I made it down the hill, and started up the heap. I wasn’t slowing down as I thought I would be. Perhaps after making it up this small hill, I would still die. I feared that if my bike didn’t slow down, I would only pick up momentum going down the other side.
Miraculously, on top of the hill, my brakes started working again. This blessing led to an unfortunate series of events. Having my feet in a rigor mortis state in a backwards position didn’t allow for a slow and subtle slowing. Instead, it allowed me to flip over the handlebars of my pretty pink princess bike, landing face first, full body in the swell of shit.
I never raced my brother.
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like
You say black I say white
You say bark I say bite
You say shark I say hey man
Jaws was never my scene
And I don't like Star Wars
You say Rolls I say Royce
You say God give me a choice
You say Lord I say Christ
I don't believe in Peter Pan
Frankenstein or Superman
All I wanna do is
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my
Bicycle races are coming your way
So forget all your duties oh yeah
Fat bottomed girls they'll be riding today
So look out for those beauties oh yeah
On your marks get set go
Bicycle race bicycle race bicycle race
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
Bicycle race
You say coke I say caine
You say John I say Wayne
Hot dog I say cool it man
I don't wanna be the President of America
You say smile I say cheese
Cartier I say please
Income tax I say Jesus
I don't wanna be a candidate for
Vietnam or Watergate
Cause all I wanna do is
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like
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